Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
