I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The struggles of a small town man whore
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
there is glitter all over my balls
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
