i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
