Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you never un-have a 4some
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
