the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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