Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
