How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
