I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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