You smell like a Billy Joel song
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
