I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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