Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
