Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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