A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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