Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
