There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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