Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
3pm strippers are depressing
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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