I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
