i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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