my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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