My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
