I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
