Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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