I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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