RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
