Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
