Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
