Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
