You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
