All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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