i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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