Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We need to get me chipped asap
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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