Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
