yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
