I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
