I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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