nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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