His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
