Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
