i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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