well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
