I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
