First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
