I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
