I need to stop coming to work sober
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
