I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
