I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
