we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
