Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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