Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
