she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
