I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
