i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
