dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He did a backflip because drugs
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
