U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
