you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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