Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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